(For the past five years, I’ve used Reverb10 prompts to give myself a question to answer every day of December. It’s a great way to reflect on the year and set goals for the future. For 2015 I combined my love of tarot with the Reverb questions, matching my favorite questions to the 22 Major Arcana cards in the deck.)
THE TOWER. What went really, really wrong this year?
They told me I wasn’t good enough. I got yelled at for something that was not my fault. And no, I was not “performing at a level” that meant I’d get support for going back to school part time – no matter what had been promised at the start of the year.
I should have quit then. I should have got up and yelled back. I did the work of two people. I saved a ship they didn’t even know was sinking. And I did it with a smile on my face. They were full of it, and anyone who knows about the work I do would agree, has agreed.
Only our bosses don’t always know what we do, appreciate what we do. They don’t care. They don’t have to.
I should have at least threatened to quit. Something to show I wasn’t accepting this version of events.
But I didn’t. I was too distracted with the sound of breaking glass in my head. I was too worried in that moment about the fact that this made me a graduate school drop out. Also, a tiny part of me was rewinding the year to make sure that these people weren’t even a tiny bit right. And I was trying not to cry.
Withdrawing from a graduate program I loved was gut-wrenching. It still brings up all sorts of ugly, messy monsters when I think about it.
And the worst part is that it destroyed my loyalty to a place I was starting to love. To believe in. To want to stay long term. I realized that it was like everyplace else, and I work for humans. Humans who do not care about me.
On the flip side, the despair started me thinking about quitting. (Or, rather, actually getting fired for no reason I’d be able to foresee.) I dreamed up this blog, a portal to a new career.
My resume is polished. I’d go for the right position without any guilt holding me back.
And now I know what to get in writing at the start of a job. Lesson learned, the hardest way possible. And isn’t that just what the Tower is all about?